What am I doing?

For the past couple of years, I have been asking the question, “What is my purpose?” “What am I supposed to do with my life?”  I was having a conversation with a friend of mine at work the other day and we were talking about determining our purpose.  She was sharing that she thought by the age of 30, she would have completed certain goals.  But, here she is on the other side of 30 and those goals had not been reached.  I explained to her that I have been feeling the exact same way.  True, my purpose of being a wife and a mother is being fulfilled. However, deep inside, I know there is so much more.

I am not sure what is really my purpose?  In my mind, my purpose is something that I can do with little effort.  Yes, I have to work at it but it will come with little effort.  It is something that if I were not paid to do it, I will still do it because I enjoy it so much.  My purpose is something deep inside that should drive me to take it to another level. With that being my understanding, I have yet to determine what my purpose is in my life.  Here I am at the age of 44 and I do not know what I am supposed to do with my life.   We all have gifts and talents but are we walking in our purpose?

Each day I ask myself that question.  My husband says that I am scattered because I go from one thing to another.  Yes, that is so true because I am trying to find what it is that I am supposed to do.  Is going from one thing to the next when it does not work the way I think it should work, a good idea?  Probably not! But, in my mind, that is the only way that I will know what is that I want to do.   Even my son keeps asking me almost weekly, “Mom, what is that you want to do?”  Every week, I have the same response, “I don’t know!”  Isn’t that horrible?  At my age, I should already know what my purpose is for my life.  But, the truth of the matter is that I do not.  I pray daily for an answer because I am tired of feeling like I am wasting my life away.  I just believe there is so much more in store for me.  I just wish I knew what “that” is for my life.

I wonder how many people the same way.  What is your purpose or do you know?

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It’s been a long time…

It has been quite awhile since I posted anything on my blog.  I wish I had some funny excuses but in all sincerity after taking the new job opportunity, I have been unable to adjust.  Returning to work has been a great experience on one hand; however, on the other hand, I feel totally out of touch with reality.  As a former SAHM, I was actively involved in the lives of my children.  I would go on field trips, meet with the teachers after school when I picked up my daughter, have lunch with my son and complete homework with them when they came home.  NOW…that’s not even in the cards. There are days when I feel like a bad mommy and the guilt feeling overtakes me.  Yes, my husband is at home to pick up the pieces, drop off the children to school, cook dinner and keep the youngest child at home to help save daycare costs, but it is still not the same.  On top of keeping up with schoolwork, three of the 5 children were involved in soccer this year, which meant two practices a week and 3 to 4 games on Saturday and possibly one on Sundays.  Oh, let’s not forget that I am a Leading Lady of a church.

In addition, returning to work has caused my house to go lacking.  It was depressing to come home to a house that looked like nobody cared.  Don’t get me wrong, the house was not dirty dirty, but it was definitely not the way I like to keep my home.  So, during my week long Thanksgiving vacation, I cleaned my house.  Now, the house is where I need it to be whenever I come home and I am no longer feeling overwhelmed or depressed when I walk through the doors.  The challenge is keeping it this way until my Christmas break.  This definitely was not the way that I wanted to spend my break.  But, it needed to happen.

Needless to say, going back to work has not been easy but the door was opened and I had to step through it.  I am taking it day by day, moment by moment.  Do I want to come home and become a SAHM? YES! YES! YES! I love being at home! But for now, this is my season to work.

I am going to make the adjustment.  It is just taking longer than I expected.  At the end of the day, I am going to keep pressing and remind myself that even though I am busy and tired, I am BLESSED!