What am I doing?

For the past couple of years, I have been asking the question, “What is my purpose?” “What am I supposed to do with my life?”  I was having a conversation with a friend of mine at work the other day and we were talking about determining our purpose.  She was sharing that she thought by the age of 30, she would have completed certain goals.  But, here she is on the other side of 30 and those goals had not been reached.  I explained to her that I have been feeling the exact same way.  True, my purpose of being a wife and a mother is being fulfilled. However, deep inside, I know there is so much more.

I am not sure what is really my purpose?  In my mind, my purpose is something that I can do with little effort.  Yes, I have to work at it but it will come with little effort.  It is something that if I were not paid to do it, I will still do it because I enjoy it so much.  My purpose is something deep inside that should drive me to take it to another level. With that being my understanding, I have yet to determine what my purpose is in my life.  Here I am at the age of 44 and I do not know what I am supposed to do with my life.   We all have gifts and talents but are we walking in our purpose?

Each day I ask myself that question.  My husband says that I am scattered because I go from one thing to another.  Yes, that is so true because I am trying to find what it is that I am supposed to do.  Is going from one thing to the next when it does not work the way I think it should work, a good idea?  Probably not! But, in my mind, that is the only way that I will know what is that I want to do.   Even my son keeps asking me almost weekly, “Mom, what is that you want to do?”  Every week, I have the same response, “I don’t know!”  Isn’t that horrible?  At my age, I should already know what my purpose is for my life.  But, the truth of the matter is that I do not.  I pray daily for an answer because I am tired of feeling like I am wasting my life away.  I just believe there is so much more in store for me.  I just wish I knew what “that” is for my life.

I wonder how many people the same way.  What is your purpose or do you know?

And Another Door Opens Again!

God always opens a door when you least expect it.  Beginning on July 7th, 2014, I will walk through another door that GOD has opened for me.   Do I really want to go back to work?  Hmmmm…. It’s a question that I ask myself everyday, along with other questions such as, “Why has this door opened again this time?  Why is the door always opened when I am not searching for a job?  Why now?  Is it worth going back to work with all the expenses for childcare, after school care, gas, clothes, etc.?”  Naturally, I do not have any answers other than the assurance that there is something on the other side of the door and I must walk through it.

Since the layoff in 2012, I have enjoyed being a SAHM.  I love being available for my family.  I have heard friends in my son’s class say they wish their parents could have lunch with them or come to the parties at school.  This breaks my heart but the reality is that parents must work in order to provide for their families. Additionally, the reason I like being a SAHM is that I have flexibility when the kids are sick or when I need to take them to their many appointments.  Last but definitely not least, it just cost less to stay at home with 5 children.

Nevertheless, the door of opportunity has opened and  it is time to walk through it.   It’s not like this is the first time that this door has been opened.  In 2003, I became a SAHM by accident due to a lay off at my job as a Business Analyst.  I stayed at home with the first 3 children until 2009 when the door of opportunity opened to return to work.  However, at that time, it was not as hard to return to the workforce.  Why? I am not sure.  But this time around, I am struggling with the decision.   I am happy but not happy.  I am excited but not excited.  However, I am grateful because there are many people who are looking for jobs and are unsuccessful in their search.

We all have doors that we must walk through at some time in our lives.  We either choose to walk begrudgingly or with grateful hearts.  I am choosing to walk through with a grateful heart.   Although I cannot understand the reasons why the door has been opened, it has and I must walk through it. What doors have you walked through in your life that caused you to ask the question, “WHY?”